Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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