He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
