I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
