Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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