There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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