I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
