dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
