If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
