You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
