We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
