my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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