my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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