so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
