God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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