Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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