Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
