it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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