i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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