Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
