i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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