Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Damn victory sex feels great
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
