omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
