My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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