I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
