if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize