the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i came on her dog
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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