Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
