New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
