we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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