Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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