I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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