she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
