Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
