Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She's the barista slut.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
