Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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