4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize