I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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