I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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