there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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