did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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