giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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