My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
