omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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