birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
