last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
