went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
