Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
