saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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