i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
