im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
