I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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