Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
