Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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