girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
