So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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