God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
