So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
