Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
People in love make me want to vomit
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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