R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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