I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
