Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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