Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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