I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
