ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
