sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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