don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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