I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
