If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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