I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
